Intentionality
The last four years have been marked by constant transition. I had no idea what planting a church actually consisted of, and even less of an idea how much investment of time, passion, and creativity it would require. Growth has been the constant theme. People. Finances. Facilities. Administration. Ministries. Problems. Miracles. Relationships. Responsibilities. Heartache. Burden. Giftings. Worship. Nothing has been static. Everything has changed, grown, developed, matured. This has been endlessly exciting and equally brutal on my adrenal glands!
The seven years that preceded this pioneering—that formed the foundation for this work—were quite different. The wilderness was empty and terribly silent. It drew me inward and taught me to listen. These years revealed to me that I was never alone, that the silence, in fact, is not empty. There is One always there, and He speaks. The struggle in those years was not distraction or overexertion, but the doubt that plagued me over if I would ever do anything meaningful. I could not wait to escape the wilderness. Now, in the throes of a fruitful ministry and purposeful life, I’ve found myself fantasizing about going back.
In the rhythm of constant change, growth, and excitement, there has also been a subtle companion of grief that is mourning the good that was, as it slips into the memory bank of the past. What do I mean plainly? Hitting the painful limitation of relational capacity. Having more love in your heart than time and energy to express it. Choosing commitment (I’m engaged!) and therefore acceptance of the constrictive responsibilities that ensue. Every yes is a thousand no's. No’s are hard, especially when it’s to people you care about. All sorts of emotions and questions get stirred in me when I think about this. Am I spending my time wisely? Am I choosing the better portion? Am I governed by wisdom or ambition? Am I a good friend? Brother? Spouse (almost!)? Pastor? Son?
In all these questions and more I’m not looking for someone to pat me on the back, but for a Divine Objective to affirm and assure me that I have indeed chosen the road less traveled by.
Where does this all lead? I value time now more than ever before. It is a precious and limited resource. I will never get it back, but daily I receive more of its sacred potential. I want to make the most of the time I’ve been given, investing it in accord with eternal wisdom. This is only possible if I’ve received instruction from the Eternal One. I have come to realize that my desire to “return to the wilderness” of a life void of ministerial and relational demands is impossible and not where God is leading me. The train of life is not stopping or slowing down any time soon!
Instead I’m being forced to grow in intentionality, embracing structure at a level I never have before. I’ve actually sat down with God and crafted a weekly schedule of how I will invest my time. Even sitting down to write this is on the schedule! The honest truth is that I wouldn’t be writing this blog if it were not. Not because I wouldn’t desire to do it, but because of a lack of intentionality in investing my time.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a millennial, or just my own idiosyncrasy, but I’ve had a strong distaste for high structure and planning in my life in the name of “protecting my creativity” and “keeping it organic.” I’ve recognized the silliness of this! A garden is perfectly organic, literally creative, and also the result of a lot of hard work and intentionality. So when it comes to my time, I’ve been building garden boxes with the Lord. I spend time in prayer, asking the Lord to formulate a monthly strategy for my time allocation. This document is actually God’s plan for my discipleship. In it He is revealing to me how He is training me into a life of incarnational worship. I then break that down into a weekly rhythm (time schedule) that is fairly comprehensive and divides my time into blocks that fill up each day. This weekly rhythm is actually God’s plan for my discipleship. In it, He is revealing to me how He is training me to live a life of incarnational worship. This is awesome, but the hard part is actually doing it!
Making the strategy is like creating the garden box. Actually doing what you plan for is the work of sowing, fertilizing, and weeding! I’ve recognized two things in this process already.
1. Often multiple times throughout each day, I have to push through and do something I don’t feel like doing (like writing a blog when you have writer's block ha!). I have found that being disciplined to do what I’ve committed before God to do, whether I feel like it or not, has led me to increased levels of productivity and creativity. Emotions are not good leaders. I recognize that although emotions play an important part of my life, I’m not dependent on them to do what God has asked me to do.
2. There are a lot of weeds in life, aka inefficiencies, roadblocks, hindrances. We have to plan for this! I’m an idealist, and so I often am overoptimistic and try to plan way too much to accomplish in a week. This has helped me further discern the difference between my voice and His. I’ve recognized I put pressure and expectation on myself that He doesn’t. When I start getting behind schedule because I’m stuck pulling weeds, I instinctively get frustrated and feel like I’m failing. All the while, He’s smiling and asking me, “Jord, do you need some help?” This has been humbling. And my repeated “failures” have helped me recognize how little I know and how needy I am. I feel as though I’m in kindergarten, because in His eyes, I am. I’m learning not to take myself too seriously, but to let Him help and teach me in His way of life.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this!
Abounding in hope,
Jordan